If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
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I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
True