“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
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Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.