every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
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Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.