every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
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There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.