My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
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me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.