Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
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I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Terribly Tuesday.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.