Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
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My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Seems a bit forward
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.