Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
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I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.