Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
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[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.