Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
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ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.