@kelkulus: Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
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@YeahDrewisOn: Me: Damn girl your new selfie is awesome but isn't it a bit late to zombiefy yourself? Her: What's zombiefy? Me: ...Your hair looks great!
@decentbirthday: Isn't it weird that Greenland is icy and Iceland is where my wife moved when she left me
@Voiceofgarth: WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
@jesse_street: *gets laser eye surgery* "Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?" I told you, that's not what— *i squint at him real hard but he's right*