Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
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Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
everyone’s a critic
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”