Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
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I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
you gotta be faster
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.