@Maui_Speaks: Every day the cat climbs a six-foot glass-block wall and watches my wife shower. She thinks it's cute. I do it once and I'm creepy.
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@DRUNKdadding: "Sure, you can wear shorts to preschool today." -the reason I am sleeping on the couch right now
@EndhooS: [1st day as a paramedic] me: can you point to where it hurts cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
@wolfpupy: [david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature's best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
@OhNoSheTwitnt: My dad said he couldn't get into Game of Thrones because he doesn't like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.