@Maui_Speaks: Every day the cat climbs a six-foot glass-block wall and watches my wife shower. She thinks it's cute. I do it once and I'm creepy.
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@junejuly12: Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
@Everette: iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they're basically the same
@LeBearGirdle: [invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs] "in a few years its gonna be really cold" *hands them mixtape* "you're gone need this"
@robotmouthfarts: [Half of my body is already in the anaconda] "Is this a date? This feels like a date."