“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
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me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
The USS B port
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”