@timdonakowski: Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
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@3sunzzz: H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one. Me: H: Oh, and it came with this 75" television.
@iwearaonesie: 9*picking his nose* wife:Get your finger out of your nose! me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
@ibid78: [math teacher] your homework looks like chicken scratch, but you got them all correct [later at home] I think she's on to us, mathmachicken