Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
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SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first