Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
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Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?