@LizHackett: Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
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@UncleDuke1969: "Daddy, are vampires real?" "No, sweetie. Go back to bed." *waits until daughter is asleep* *grabs red Sharpie* *draws 2 dots on her neck*
@Jill_Doe_: There are few problems in life that can't be sorted by slowing down, taking a deep breath, and THEN drawing winged eyeliner on a raccoon.
@ClichedOut: my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again my grandpa: well i'll be damned