@LizHackett: Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
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@Fred_Delicious: Waiter, there's a spider in my pie. I thought you had an "award winning chef" *waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
@TheBoydP: The "free milkshakes for a month" contest I just won is telling me my month's supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month...
@BubblesnBooze: I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you'll never know.
@walks_on_legs: Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.