@LizHackett: Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
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@LizHackett: I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she's traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
@nevels_kendyle: Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking? Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that's not tied in a knot*
@calluptome: The next time there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"