Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
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[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?