Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
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What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Based Erika