This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
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If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….