Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
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Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
thanksgiving in nutshell
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Somebody call the cops.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone