@LizHackett: Every evening from 7 to 8 PM, my neighbor's child practices piano with what sounds like her face.
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@AtticusFinch79: [on the train] Conductor: Ticket please Me: *hands it over* C: Lady this is a speeding ticket M: *sighs* That's why I'm on the train
@SaltyCorpse: Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was funny? Anyway, I need bail money.
@GingerHotDish: *Throws up some gang signs* *stabs self in eye with salad fork* Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.