@LizHackett: Every evening from 7 to 8 PM, my neighbor's child practices piano with what sounds like her face.
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@ImSoFrancis: [ field trip to the zoo ] Teacher: what's your favorite animal? Debra: I like zebras! Deborah: I like zeborahs!
@dmc1138: When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must've been for that guy.
@FatherWithTwins: 4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza? Me: You mean parmesan cheese? 4: I don't like cheese. I want powder Me: *Gives parmesan cheese 4: *Happy
@mjkspeaks: [interview] THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it? ME: thank you.