I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
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[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.