Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
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I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
this is what they would have looked like, though
I drew y’all a little something.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012