Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
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Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Seek kebab; not attention
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT