Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
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My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”