Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
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uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”