@kumailn: "Every family on 2013 had 'quite the year'." - study conducted using Christmas newsletters
@AlexvanBeek: Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
@Matt_The_1st: For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it's coupons
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: Unless I had ketchup.
@pakalupapito: i’m not “cute” awkward. i’m “what the hell is wrong with you” awkward.
@KKBowls: Mini M&M's - for when you just can't finish an entire M&M