When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
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Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
classic mixup
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk