@kumailn: "Every family on 2013 had 'quite the year'." - study conducted using Christmas newsletters
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@Brampersandon_: ME: need help? GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump ME (inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk): I thought u'd never ask
@MaiPareshaan: This one time I swallowed a gum and my mom told me that "it stays in your system forever," so I swallowed a table to stick it under it.
@abhorrent_wife: I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn't remember the term "all caps".