Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
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*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I don’t know what to do
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.