Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
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Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Super Hand Dog Face
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens