Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
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my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.