Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
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Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there