@iGreenMonk: Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal.
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@heidi420x: I haven't been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn't lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I've told to cops.
@jergarl: Romantic comedies are just horror movies where people only die on the inside. Also, my wife doesn't let me pick movies for date night.
@fro_vo: *running from cops* Me: hey wait hold up if we're gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit Cop: yeah me too good idea
@MariyaAlexander: Potato chips bragging about having less fat - I don't think you understand people who eat you.