Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
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Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord