@Michael1979: Every funeral is open-casket if you've got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
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@AsgardianRose: Autocorrect changed "panic attack" to "pancake attack" and now I'm hysterical AND hungry.
@ninatreemonkey: The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
@withanewname: psychic: "I see... I see kids in your future" me: "but I've had a vasectomy" [9 months later ... me tending a goat farm] "This's bullshit"
@i_theindian: When your nose is running and your feet smell, you are not sick you're just built upside down.