“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
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lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.