A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
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i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
crying
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.