@lwhit_the_boss: Every grocery store has free samples if you're quick enough
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@SCbchbum: me: how old is your baby? her: 46 weeks me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
@dorsalstream: ME: My new contacts are here! WIFE: Don't put them all on at once like you did last— ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
@awkwardphilippe: [clown interview] Why become a professional clown? me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids