@lwhit_the_boss: Every grocery store has free samples if you're quick enough
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@MrSandeepP: Apparently you're not supposed to tell "That's what she said jokes" during the Board meeting because it's "inappropriate"
@david8hughes: [police interrogation] "What do you do for a living?" "Drug dealer." "Louder, for the tape." [leans in] "Bug healer. I heal bugs."
@themorris23: Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this: The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
@sucittaM: If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.