Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
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captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY