Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
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How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.