I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
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My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”