No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
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When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.