@Ilovelamp1979: Every idiot in Florida just turned on their electric heater & they crashed the grid. Now I'm forced to watch my neighbor sleep in the dark.
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@ruinedpicnic: [Friend opens Christmas present] Me: It's a lie detector Friend: Oh... I love it Me: (whispering) we'll see
@Donna_McCoy: [first date] Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping* Me: *gets up and leaves* (...comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
@DonQuickoats: When I see drivers with tinted windows I still stare at them in their eyes, or where I think their eyes are, so they think I'm superhuman
@rickkondell: Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.