Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
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ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for