Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
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Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
what my late-night hot pocket sees