Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
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I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash