the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want