[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
You Might Also Like
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*