Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
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I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
hi why am I like this
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
sin harder.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.