Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
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Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.