Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
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The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
every college guy’s fridge
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁