Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
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Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is