@CulturedRuffian: Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim...you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
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@MrPhetz: Why did my ex gf Fav my tweet where I announced that I got laid off. Why did you do that sharon
@joeldanger: Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there's no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
@awkwardphilippe: *walks in* Nope! *does a 360° and walks in further* Ah that's why I failed geometry
@goldengateblond: Watch 'Titanic' backwards and it's the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.