Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
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I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this