“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
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[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Friends that check up on you >
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.